How to Poop at Work!

I received this earlier by email... I was laughing the whole day!
Hilarious!! Jaw-breaking funny!
-Ansam
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We've all been there but don't like to admit it.
We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something
brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves
otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate
pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at
work.



CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell
is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't
know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop
until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make
sure the smell has left your pants.


FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and
check for other poopers If there are others in the bathroom, leave
and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.
People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into
the bathroom.


ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in
a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge
it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are a man and are standing
next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No
one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved.
Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.


JAILBREAK
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If
this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone
has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what
just occurred.


COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the
water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up
the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK
OF SHAME.


WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have
just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment
if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to
pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of
the COURTESY FLUSH.


OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
A colleague who poops at work and is Doggone proud of it. You
will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with
a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the
office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.


THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK ( P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency
pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor
the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE
HAVENS.


SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can
least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering
the bathroom.


TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries
to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this
occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you
will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.


CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that
you are in a stall This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or
to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in
conjunction with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.


SHIRLEY TEMPLE
A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential Turd
Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that
the stall is occupied. If you hear a SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the
bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.


WATERMELON
A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water.
This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming
on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.


HAVANAOMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in
the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a
CAMO-COUGH with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.


AUNT BETTY
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever...Could
spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on
the pot. An AUNT BETTY makes it difficult to relax while on the
crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty.
This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees

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SOME VARIETIES~
The King Poop = This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis.
It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple
from straining so hard.

Bali Belly Poop = You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.

Cement Block or Oh God Poop = You wish you'd gotten a spinal
block before you poop.

Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop) = Even after the third
flush, it's still floating in there. My God! How do I get rid of it?
This poop usually happens at someone else's house.

The Bungee Poop = The kind of poop that just hangs off your
rear before it falls into the water.

The Crippler = The kind of poop where you have to sit on the
toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang = The kind of poop that hits you
when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

The Party Pooper = The giant poop you take at a party. And when
you flush